"Hey Tom Selleck, it's me: Steve. You'll never believe what I've discovered on the doorstep of our delightfully lofty New York City apartment that we share with our smug bachelor friend, Ted Dancin'?" said Steve Guttenburg, who was probably Jewish, but nobody's ever cared enough to find out.

"Why Steve, I can't imagine what it could be. I'll bet I'll be handsomely moustached and surprised, though." said Selleck as he stroked his Moustache (handsomely.)

"Tom, it's a Maybe in a cradle, and there's a note!" Said Steve

"Is it? What does the note say?" queried Tom

"It's Ted's Maybe, says the note." replied Steve in delightfully charismatic fashion, though less so than if he were Cadet Mahoney, as we would all assume.

"Hmm, how can we be sure it's actually Ted's Maybe?" asked Tom

"We can't ever know for sure. But let's take it in anyhow and take care of it until Ted gets home from his movie shoot in Turkey." asserted the Guttenburg.

They brought the maybe upstairs and tried to feed it, but it certainly wasn't hungry, it couldn't even possibly eat, it was such an uncertainty that in the end, Tom and Steve just left it on the table until they could figure out what to do with it, which they never really did.

Finally Ted arrived home.

"Hey guys, I'm back from Turk...Hey, what the hell is this on the counter?" Dancin' asked.

"We don't actually know." Tom and Steve replied.

"Oh. Well what should we do with it?" asked Ted.

"We don't know," they replied "but we think its yours."

"Oh. Hmmm, quite a quandary, I see. Well I suppose I'll do what I do with all uncertainties...I'm going to take it into my room, crack a bottle of Merlot, and make sweet sweet intercourse with it." Said Ted.

"That's our Ted'!" said Tom and Steve.

INDIANA JONES AND THE AFRAIDERS OF THE LOST SHARK

"Indy...we've got to get out of this predicament! The Nazis are still after us, and now we're huddled in this tiny cave and there are Spiders AND Snakes, and the walls are closing in on us with spikes, and...what are you doing NOW doctor Jones?" said the beautiful archeologist.

Indiana was trembling, and his teeth were chattering, not from cold, but more like Scooby Doo when he was abreast of something ghostly afoul.

"Indy...what is it? You pussy, you've faced spiders and snakes before...what's the big deal? Is it the spikes? Well I'm sure you'll think of something...maybe you'll use your whip to snag a boulder to simultaneously jam the moving spike-walls AND kill a few Nazis and Spiders and Snakes." Said Archeologist.

"Its none of those things, you don't even know me." Said Indiana.

"Well, we did just meet yesterday, and we've only made out a couple times, but that was all probably because of all the Stockholm's Syndrome. Look, why don't you just tell me what's wrong, and we'll find a way out, but we're running out of time, so hurry!" pleaded Archeologist.

"I have this terrible fear of Sharks," admitted Indiana.

"What?! There aren't even any Sharks around! We're inland in Germany, and even if we were near a large water-mass, there are no sharks in the Baltic or North Seas...what the fuck Indy, this is some fucked up shit."

"I meant, I have this terrible fear of losing my shark. I knew you wouldn't understand," said Indy.

The Nazis closed in on them, and while Indy got a couple good whips in, he was eventually captured along with the beautiful archeologist.

"Jones, you've fucked us yet again. Hey what were we even looking for this time? Holy Grail? Embronzed Incan Statue? Totem Pole of the gods?" asked the archeologist.

"I think I dropped one of my contacts."

Steven Spielberg and George Lucas looked up from the script and gazed at each other longingly. This would be their best picture ever, and not only were they sure of this, but they were also piss drunk and about to embark on a journey of love-making exploration that could only be described as "The First Crusade," because there would be many more to follow.

THE END

FERRIS BUELLER'S WAY OFF

"Cameron, watch this...this is really gonna be great!"

"Gee, I dunno Ferris, we could really get in trouble this time...and besides, that Bengalese tiger looks hungry!"

"Geez Cameron, you're such a stick in the mud. Here we go," said Bueller,

and he crept up slowly to the Tiger, using his sneakers to creep silentlier.

Ferris: "Hello, I'm Abe Froman." Said Bueller.

Tiger: "Growl!"

Ferris: "That's right, the Abe Froman...Sausage King of Chicago."

Tiger: "Hungry Growl!"

Ferris: "Are you suggesting I'm not who I say I am?"

Tiger: Eating Ferris' arm.

Ferris: "Now now, don't get Snooty!"

Tiger: Eats other arm and starts on leg.

Ferris: "Cameron, tell Sloan I Love..."

Tiger: Eats Ferris.

Cameron: "Mister Rooney's not going to like this one bit."

Ferris: Eaten, but agrees.

FIN